Bad Shoulds, Good Shoulds

Article that appeared in The New Leaf ™.

Lately I've been reflecting a lot on good shoulds and bad. Bad shoulds get a lot of press. They are the shoulds that cripple your soul and cramp your style without any corresponding benefit to your community or your character. In these last days of the 20th century, there is no shortage of gurus and guides telling us to abjure bad shoulds (including me. See, for example, The New Leaf, Vol. 1, No. 20.).

But what about the good shoulds? How do we know when to honor the voice that says "you ought" or "you should"? I notice that my own inner shoulds are likely to be constructive if they are not connected to my need for approval or to other aspirations. For example, I can easily discern whether or not to listen to the voice that says I should vacuum: I simply check to see if I am trying to impress anyone and if so, I skip it. (Try it, this really works.) On the other hand, if I see that, in fact, the cat hair is about to threaten my equilibrium, then it is, indeed, time to vacuum.

I find such discernment trickier around work. I believe this is because I have a deep seated need to be admired, praised and adored. I also have a genius for synergy; I readily see how one thing can result in many positive outcomes. As a result, I can generally find a dozen reasons why I *should* follow through on almost every opportunity to work more. If I could live up to those commitments with good cheer, this might not be a problem, but all too often I can end up feeling burdened and resentful.

Just this week I had the opportunity to make a contribution to a professional group that I value greatly. As soon as I was asked I knew I didn't want to do the job, yet I talked myself into it almost instantly. Fortunately, Frederick Buechner's comments on vocation (that we will find it where the world's deep hunger and our deep gladness meet) had come up a few times during the week and they shed much needed light on my decision. While I have the skills to do the job, I realized I wouldn't enjoy doing it in the slightest. With this awareness, I declined the request, holding out the certainty that an opportunity would arise in which I could make a joyful contribution. When that happens, I trust I will recognize the *good should*.